I’m 25 and I’m single and more often than not, I must suffer silently from the assumptions of men and women about my single status and my future. Granted, we all form assumptions about others based off their appearance, profession, and history. I know I have done it but I try really hard not to form opinions or assume things about others before I get to know them and if I do form an assumption, I keep it to myself.
I’m used to people assuming things about me based off my appearance and usually people assume positive things about me based off my past or my family and friends. However, it’s the assumptions from men and women about my “single womanhood” status that are appalling, ridiculous, or extremely annoying. Sometimes these assumptions are offensive, hurtful, or mess with my happy state of mind.
Therefore, I decided to write some of the assumptions that people have said to me or shown me that relate to my single woman status so that hopefully whoever reads this can reflect and consider if they too have said or done some of these things toward single women or at least refrain from saying or doing these things in the future. If anything, this post will give you a laugh or two.
Something must be wrong with you because “you’re too pretty to be single.”
First, nothing is wrong with me because I’m single. Please, stop assuming this. I’m single for one reason: I have not met a man that I want to be in a relationship with. It’s that simple. Just because a woman is single at any age does not make her crazy, have some weird habit, have a jealous temper, is mean, or is a cheater. We are single because that’s just where we have decided to be in life.
Now on to the statement: “you’re too pretty to be single.” Men, women, stop saying this to single women! Essentially what you are saying is that a woman’s beauty is directly connected with her being in a relationship and as we all know, it doesn’t. Or you’re saying that pretty women shouldn’t be single because a woman’s beauty shouldn’t be wasted on singlehood. This is what it sounds like to us. I’ve never met a woman who enjoys hearing this. It’s not a compliment. It’s an illogical statement, so trash it. Thanks.
Assume that a single woman can’t be too picky if she ever wants to be in a relationship.
See that’s where you are wrong—I can. People assume that as a single woman, I’m too picky when I date and therefore that is why I’m single. Maybe I should have lowered my standards to your assumptions…then I could have dated a bossy guy, or a guy that’s down with the thug life, or dated someone unambitious, or dated a guy without a job, or dated a guy with a criminal record. Listening to your assumption would have totally worked out in my favor. Or not.
And if I am picky, so what? Why do you care about my relationship status? Why can’t I be picky? Why can’t I want a guy who has a decent job, ambition, is honest and kind and funny, has something in common with me, or is intelligent enough to have a conversation with me or challenges me in different ways? When you say something like this to a woman, we hear you saying that we need to be in a relationship and that we should give up our standards to be in one. There are millions of women who kept their standards high and are now in a relationship or married.
Assume that I want to be in a relationship.
I’ve been single for almost four years and during those four years, I’ve had people assume that I wanted to be in a relationship…Guess what? I didn’t. My self-worth or happiness is not contingent upon being in a relationship. Rather I believed that, I needed to be happy with myself, alone, if I ever wanted to be happy in a relationship one day. I didn’t even want to date anyone for many months. Granted things are changing in my life and I wouldn’t mind dating someone seriously but this is a very recent development.
On a funny note, I’ve had guys stop talking to me or play weird mind games because they thought I wanted a relationship even when I told them that I didn’t want a relationship! I mean what I say…what a crazy concept.
Don’t fit me in a pretty little pink box with purple ribbons and assume that I’ll change one day to fit into that box.
Interesting title, huh? So what do I mean by that? I’ve learned that like me, men are looking for certain things in a woman that they want to date which is great but sometimes they come onto a date with assumptions about me and it doesn’t make for a good date or doesn’t give us a chance to get to know one another with a clean slate. For example in my past previous dating experiences, some men have assumed the following things about me: I’m really girly, I’m non-athletic, I’m really nice and non-confrontational, I’m a God-fearing good Christian woman that goes to church, I want someone to take care of me financially, I have the same values as them, I’m politically conservative, etc. I’ve had men and women tell me that I’ll change and become all of these things when I get older or fall in love or am in a relationship. Why do people assume that you will change?
You can’t fit me into a pretty little box with ribbons. Just because I’m from Texas, don’t assume I’m conservative. Just because most of the U.S. is Christian, don’t assume you know or understand my complex beliefs about God (and don’t assume the woman you are dating believes in God. I do, but she may not). Don’t assume I go to church. Don’t assume that I want you to be the breadwinner. I may want to be the breadwinner for our family. I may look girly, but I love karate and getting rough in basketball. Don’t assume that I will change my beliefs or political stances “in the future.” If I don’t have any of the qualities that you want in a woman, please move on. Don’t think that you can change me or assume that I will change.
Stop assuming that single women are playing hard to get.
I absolutely respect guys who put themselves out there and try to ask a girl out. That is the scariest thing to do, I know because I’ve asked out a guy and I was scared out of my mind. With Facebook and social media, it is even easier to ask someone out without ever asking them face-to-face. I’m not a big fan of asking someone out on FB, but sometimes that is the only tool we have, and that’s not to say that I wouldn’t mind it from the right guy.
However, there are times on Facebook that I’ve had men assume different things which I feel are related back to me being single. Just because I accept your friend request or I respond back to a nice comment you left on my status or on a picture, it does not necessarily mean I’m interested in getting to know you or date. So if you do ask me out or you do ask for my number on FB and I say “no,” please understand that I mean, “no.” It doesn’t mean that I want to become friends with you or even that I want to continue to chat with you on Messenger. Don’t assume that single women are playing hard to get…because we’re not. I don’t know where this “playing hard to get” concept came from (90’s movies?) or why it’s been instilled in so many minds but it’s BS.
And the same goes for public life situations in bars, restaurants, at the gym, or in any public setting.
If a single woman turns a guy down in person at a bar, she’s saying “I’m not interested.” She’s not saying, “Try again” or “I’m desperate” or “I’m playing hard to get.” We are not playing mind games with you. When we say no, we mean it.
Don’t assume that you know what I, a single woman, want for my future.
I love how people assume that they know what I will want for my future. Let’s start with a good one: Just because I have the ability to have children, does not mean that I want to have children. Don’t assume that all single women will want to have babies one day—ask them. At the moment, I am not sure if I want one kid, zero kids, or if I want to adopt. I’ve had women and men argue with me that I’ll change my mind. Please stop assuming that as a woman I’ll want to have babies or that all women get “baby fever.” I actually run away from kids right now unless their family or my best friends’ children.
Once I went on a date with a guy and we got on the subject of traveling. I love to travel, as you all know, and I divulged that I wanted to move every three to five years for the rest of my life.
He responded, “But when you get married, you want to settle down, right?”
“No,” I replied.
“But how are you going to do that?”
“Um, just pick up and move,” I said.
“But you’ll have kids and a husband.”
“And?” I replied.
The rest of his statements on the topic insinuated that this was implausible and then I distinctly remember him saying something along the lines that the right guy could change my mind.
I had another similar argument with some co-workers when I shared this lifestyle wish of mine with them. It was unfathomable to them that I could possibly do this with a husband and children. They proceeded to tell me over and over again that I would change my mind.
Don’t assume that I have to have a “normal” life, of having kids and settling down in one place to raise them. I don’t want that. I want a husband that enjoys moving and traveling as much as I do. I want my children to experience the world and just because my beliefs or future expectations differ from yours or what you did or what you chose for your life, does not make my future lifestyle wishes wrong or unfeasible.
Yes, I’m a single woman. No, I do not know how it feels to have a husband or kids but that doesn’t give you the right to assume that my life experiences should be or will be the same as everyone else’s.
That I’m sad, unhappy, depressed, or lonely because I’m a single woman.
Surprise, my happiness does not depend on being in a relationship. Crazy, right? I’m really happy, rarely sad, never depressed, and I am not lonely just because I’m “alone.” When I lived alone, I loved it. Funny thing is that, I couldn’t be lonely if I tried. I have so many friends and family and I’m always out doing stuff that I think it would be virtually impossible for me to feel lonely. Just look at my pictures, do I look unhappy to you?
I’m exploring the world as a single woman and I’m having the time of my life. So for my sake and for the sake of other single women, trash those single woman assumptions because you’re bringing down my vibe.